Sonic Heroes Impressions (GC) Reviews
By G. Turner
Posted January 19, 2004

Good luck 'catching air' in-game.

Call me crazy, but I really enjoyed Sonic Adventure 1.

Well come on - I'm waiting. Say it. Say I'm crazy. You pansy.

Anyway, my jaw dropped during parts of the first level (but, to be fair it was the first time I had seen the Dreamcast in action). And, other than the Chao and fishing-sim dreck I actually had a fun time playing through it. That's right, eat me Big the Cat! I'm not taking your crap anymore! And while my jaw didn't drop so far with the somewhat disappointing Sonic Adventure 2, well, let's just say that some of Sonic's and Shadow's levels were quite good and leave it at that. Unfortunately, in the first hour of playing Sonic Heroes, my jaw inverted itself - it tried to jam itself up into my head and retreat as far as it could from the television screen that emitted it's hate rays. Now I look like my great-grandmother. Thanks Sonic Team.

I'm only going to say this once - I played Sonic Heroes for roughly two hours. That's why this is an impressions article. There will be no Sonic Heroes review. Why? Well, back in the 16-bit days of the Genesis Sonic was a breath of fresh air - partially because he was an impatient fuck who would glare and tap his foot if you left him inactive for two seconds (which was known as an 'anti-hero' in the early 90's) but mostly because the game was fast - damn fast. You could race right through the levels and still felt like you actually had some semblance of control over Sonic. Well, neither of those fine aspects are available in Sonic Heroes. Control in Sonic Heroes is laughable - 75% of the time I didn't know, or care what I was doing. But let me back up a bit.

This looks more nauseating than it is in motion. Which, if you've played SA1 is quite the disappointment.

So, similar to Sonic Adventure 2, you can play in a variety of methods. Okay, so variety doesn't really describe SA2 but your choices with Sonic Heroes have doubled to ..four. You can play with the standard Sonic Team (Sonic, Tails and Knuckles), the Dark Team from SA2, the 'frilly-pink' team starring Amy, the aforementioned fishing abomination that is known as Big the Cat and ...well, who cares. Really. Other than a vocal minority that care about Shadow and the truely hardcore that want to play with all the Sonic Chaotix characters, no one is going to play with anyone other than Team Sonic. And in the end, it really doesn't matter because even the most basic of gameplay manuevers are botched here. Oh you want to attack an enemy? Press 'B' and cross your fingers - more than likely you'll just get thrown into the abyss. Want to do something as simple as toggle between your characters? Typically, having a phallanx setup of chracters would garner each character an absolute position on your gamepad - not so with Heroes. It's completely dependant on where they are in relation to you. If Tails is on my right, I get to press 'X'. If he's on my left, I get to press 'Y'. That doesn't sound too complicated, but throw a third character into the mix. Remember that you'll be toggling between each character approximately every 30 seconds to two minutes max.

I wouldn't mind all these trappings if Heroes played fast. I like fast and shiny games - they make me forget my many neuroses a bit more than the standard clunker. But no, this constant switching between characters makes manuevering through Sonic levels a 10 to 15 minute experience, if not more. Do you not find that absurd? That does not make a Sonic game. Sonic levels are sped through, not awkwardly manuevered while you smash into objects and furtively smash the character switch buttons trying to find the right way to approach an asinine situation - 'should I use Sonic to hone-attack these enemies, or Tails? Wait, does it matter? Apparently it does, but I have no idea why.' All this mashing really accomplishes is a nasty case of wanting to mute your television - everytime you switch your character you're met with the same bit of poorly dubbed audio such as Knuckles "I'll take it from here!" or the caustic whining of Tails and you'll be sending twelve guage shotgun blasts towards your speakers in no time. It might be slightly better if you had the option to toggle to the original Japanese voice acting, but oddly enough you can only toggle the language of the menus.

Did I invite you to my game? I don't think so. Crawl back under your uninspired Sonic Team's intern's shadow where you belong.

Visually, Sonic Heroes isn't an abomination like SA1: Director's Cut was - the frame rate is quite steady, and the game doesn't look like utter trash. I only wish I could say the same about the music. Why do they persist in flooding all current generation Sonic games with what can only be described as 'buttrock'? It's offensive to my ear's sensibilities and really, Sonic deserves better than this. The rest of the sound department phones it in with the same sound effects we've been hearing for years, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. In fact, that kind of attention to detail, or even genuine laziness could be chalked up to Sonic Heroes's greatest strength - through intentional design efforts, it does evoke the Sonic games of the past. The structure (or so I saw) is still the general same as every Sonic game ever (valleys, something that I gloss over, casino, etc.) however what really caught my eye was the 'special stage', which is essentially a glossed up version of the 3D chaos emerald stages from Sonic 2. They aren't fun, but they do provide a swift kick of nostalgia - mostly for a time when Sonic was a better breed of game than he is now.

What it all boils down to is a game that is inherently flawed, and an excerise to complete. Which is why I didn't bother to complete it. Perhaps it does become better with age, like a fine wine. However, I don't wait for my fucking wine to age - I drink it right after I buy it - otherwise what's the point? Playing Sonic Heroes is like drinking cheap apricot brandy straight - sure, you can drink the entire thing but hell friend, I've only had a few shots from that bottle and I would not recommend it.

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Est. 2003