Retro pausing!

I don't know about you but I'm a modern man, always on the go and unable to focus my attention on anything for longer than one minute and 37 seconds. In fact, right after writing that sentence I was distracted by a flashy Ipod commercial, deleted about fifty new spam emails that showed up in my Inbox within the last three minutes and then I took some garbage out. As you can imagine, this kind of life makes playing any game for a lengthy duration somewhat difficult. Consequently, I typically end up pausing games like a madman. And, like any gamer I'd like to think I don't completely suck at games but quite a few games make it a point to tell you exactly how long it took you to win their game, killing my self-confidence and ability to visualize myself as nothing but a guy who spent about five hours longer beating Beyond Good & Evil than the reviewer over at IGN - and without getting 100% of the items too! Nonetheless, I can recognize that this practise is quite useful - otherwise, how else am I going to brag to my friends or keep my three save slots straight?! Still, it's not the timer that I mind - it's the fact that the timer often refuses to stop when I press pause.

Samba pausing!

We all have heard someone sarcastically quip 'Life has no pause button.' Usually that saying is delivered by some overpriced extreme sportswear ad, or at least by someone who would be wearing said overpriced extreme sportswear. Obviously, unlike stupid, obsolete real life, games do have a pause button. Well most video games at least. However, according to a sizable number of games the pause doesn't count. That's right - even though my game is paused, the clock is still ticking! In fact, quite a few recent games I've played have applied this warped sense of logic to the pause screen such as Viewtiful Joe, Silent Hill 2 (maybe 3 as well - it's still sitting in my Gamefly queue) and many more. I swear Final Fantasy did the same, and Rutilcaper informed me that the Resident Evil games do as well. I wouldn't know, as within five minutes of exposure to a Resident Evil game I send a controller spiraling through the closest window. The point is, why are we punished for being forced to spend time away from the game? I can almost understand it with survival horror games - they are meant to be immersive games that depend heavily on atmosphere. To pause every two seconds inevitably shatters the captivating sense of fear and dread the developers intend on weaving into your head. However, with other genres I cannot come to any reasoning why someone would keep the counter running - other than perhaps sheer programmatic laziness.

Ineffective pausing!

Either way, between these 'pseudo-pause times', Boktai forcing me out into the sun, Seaman yelling at me (thanks DS!) and Animal Crossing's real-time demands, somedays it feels like the games are playing me. And, like I said before, I'm a modern man and that's just not a comfortable thought. While it will not keep me from playing and enjoying the games, it certainly does crush my spirit a bit more every day I play - especially when I am practically forced to leave my Gamecube on overnight so I wouldn't have to lose my progress in Viewtiful Joe (in Kids mode too!), which resulted in an emasculating 16:30 hour time or so scarred into my memory card. However, until game developers package a robot with their games to clean up after my cats, cook my dinner, comb my hair, yell at my next door neighbors and plant trash under their door, my completion times will be atrocious. Until then, I suppose I will have to just mutter and slur my completed times under my breath, or learn to stop caring about them all together.

Have any utterly ridiculous completion times that are absolutely not your fault? Let your fingers do the talking and wallow with me.