The following is a roundtable discussion concerning the Ubisoft game Beyond Good & Evil (BG&E). While we discuss and provide feedback concerning the game's design within this piece, if you are unfamiliar with the game you may want to start at the official Beyond Good & Evil website to find out the general details. And now, on with the show.

peccaui: Well, let's begin with what platform everyone played BG&E on.
Rutilcaper: That'd be Xbox.
mee Ronn: I played it on the Playstation 2... when I still had a working one.
peccaui: And I had the Gamecube version. I heard a fierce rumor that Ancel preferred the Gamecube version. If so, he's a masochist unless he prefers encountering bugs at a lightning quick pace.
Rutilcaper: So it looks like we got the trifecta here.
peccaui: I think that means we're more awesome than any other review block out there.
mee Ronn: Well duh.
Rutilcaper: Obviously. We have legitimate opinions about this game, unlike those wankfest "real" reveiwers.

The Tales of Swine and Pearls

peccaui: Reactions to what's harped about the most: the story?
Rutilcaper: The pig not dying killed the damn game for me. I hate it when games wuss out like that.
peccaui: Pigs shouldn't come back to life. I don't need zombie pork!!
mee Ronn: And they way he comes back - through super climatic email!
peccaui: Well, he couldn't be there to give his own Powerpoint presentation...
Rutilcaper: I guess the story was okay... enough. But coming into it was kind of expecting something more than "HAY GUYS!! WE CAN MAKE A CRAZY CONSPIRACY GAME TOO!" Rutilcaper: With racial stereotypes, of course.
peccaui: Lisp and all.
mee Ronn: Yah, it wasn't as if the story was terrible, just that it was so built up from the reviews that I was very disappointed.
Rutilcaper: God yes! Okay. So I didn't read the reviews. But the two page ads in Game Informer made it look awesome! Then I start the game and I'm like "Where the hell did all these anthropomorphic Rhino Jamaicans come from?"
peccaui: My gripe is that BG&E didn't contain anything you wouldn't see in your average B-grade sci-fi film, especially down to the twists.
Rutilcaper: I think it was worse than B-grade Sci-Fi; it was B-grade video game.

Photographing Pearls

mee Ronn: I actually quit halfway through. Stupid moats. And the story is not what brought me back to it. Just the need to be done with it.
Rutilcaper: Yeah. As one of the many games I rented from Gamefly, it only continued that trend for me.
peccaui: Other than the song they played during the racing mini-game, I felt I walked away with nothing. Well, nothing but frustration and resentment.
Rutilcaper: If I'm not mistaken you could get the same song by playing that ridiculous air hockey game in the bar.
mee Ronn: Dude, theres nothing on the mini-game song for that crappy pearl + Crossfire game. Is that the same song?!
peccaui: Indeed it is! Of course, now I can just listen to that song on repeat in Winamp, as opposed to just keeping the game stuck on the racing results screen for an hour or so.
Rutilcaper: God. It really was like an asinine version of Crossfire. Usually you can count on a bad game's mini-games to actually be pretty good (or better than the main game). Not so here.
mee Ronn: All those wasted hours of pain playing a crappy mini-game when I could have split that wasted time between two crappy mini-games.
Rutilcaper: I'm no racing connoisseur, but I've played enough F-Zero to know that's not how fun should work. My friend kept trying to make me cut the track in the third race. It never worked! I kept losing the race too! And I kept having to replay it!
Rutilcaper: You should never listen to your friends where BG&E is concerned.
peccaui: Ah yes, and you guys actually took measures to collect all the pearls and animals, right?
mee Ronn: Yeah, I got all photos and pearls. Boy was that worth it.
Rutilcaper: Yeah. Me too. What do you get again? Isn't it like minesweeper but with pigs?
mee Ronn: A new version of the pearl game. I think it was the two player version of the pearl game, so you can share the nightmare with a buddy.
peccaui: What is that, some kind of sick joke?
Rutilcaper: It's like they're slapping you in the face right there. And all you can do is cry.
peccaui: Well, if they couldn't make you cry by killing the pig, they'll just torture the tears out of you.
mee Ronn: Once you took pictures of all the animals it allows you to see all of your pictures, an option that I felt should have been there from the beginning.
peccaui: After realizing I couldn't really review my previous shots a la Fatal Frame, my interest in creating well-composed shots waned quickly. Although, refusing to allow poorly composed shots was a nice touch.
Rutilcaper: Why would you even WANT to see your pictures again? "Oh, here's the... goat boy... that lives in my house."
peccaui: It's called pride! Pride in a fetch quest well done!
Rutilcaper: A shot is a shot. I'm not competing in a super photography competition, I just want to kill some fucking ghosts here. And that's probably the closest thing to a positive statement about FedEx questions that the gaming community will ever give.

mee Ronn: The rewards for taking pictures was lame. More pearls - huzzah! The first pictures earned you a camera upgrade so I was let down when that was the ONLY upgrade you got.
Rutilcaper: Everything was pearls!
peccaui: Amazingly enough, you were still always scrounging for them!
Rutilcaper: And if these things are so rare, why are they the only thing that the Jamaicans barter in?
Rutilcaper: I also liked how the game would make you spend an hour just getting one pearl and then halfway through the game they're just throwing 15 at you at once. I couldn't believe it.
peccaui: Yeah, I don't really think artistic license governs that kind of pacing.
Rutilcaper: Yeah. Well, far be it from them to put actual effort or class into the game. The upgrades were like a bootleg version of Zelda.
peccaui: The entire game is like a bootleg version of Zelda, diluted like the drinks at my corner pub.
Rutilcaper: Fair enough.

Exuberance, Naivete & Pearls

mee Ronn: I thought that the voice actors did well with what they were given.
Rutilcaper: Jade was good. Really good, actually. I didn't care for anyone else. Maybe the propaganda people and the "high commander". All the animal people had too much accent.
peccaui: Am I the only one that thought controlling Jade felt 'floaty'?
Rutilcaper: Well she did kind of hop around like a spaceman. But I thought Jade actually looked pretty natural, though she was certainly one of the few sane character designs.
peccaui: Double H had his moments.
Rutilcaper: Oh wait! Yeah, he counts too. He wasn't a goat or a turtle or some stupid crap like that.
mee Ronn: Double H was great. Typically I can't stand it when a character, especially when he's stuck with you for a prolonged amount of time, repeats lines again and again - but with Double H it worked. He just kept quoting lines from his handbook.
Rutilcaper: Well, he had a relatively good variety. Not a great variety, but better than the three lines most games will throw at you.
peccaui: And at least in that case it was motivated.
mee Ronn: Double H had a very "Tick" vibe to him, making him an easy character for me to like.
Rutilcaper: A steady dose of exuberance?
peccaui: And naivete, I'd say.
Rutilcaper: I think Double H was a lot of what made the game playable, especially his sickness and recovery, which was probably the most compelling moment of the game.
peccaui: It certainly was a much more engrossing story than the main plot. Not enough to prevent me from scoffing wildly halfway through the game though.
Rutilcaper: I can barely remember there being a plot, behind all the pearls and animals and race car medals you had to collect.

Pearls in the Year 2525

mee Ronn: Why were the pearls in these tube storage things? And why are the villains so interested in hoarding the pearls in them?!
Rutilcaper: Because that's what villains DO man. They hoard things.
peccaui: I remember tubes in that one stealth mission, in that factory within the city.
Rutilcaper: There were definitely tubes. Unlocked tubes, I might add.
peccaui: And you floated up and down tubes on the moon! Because it's THE FUTURE.
mee Ronn: Oh man. The moon stage hurt my head. The bit where it was just a bunch of elevators! Where was the lead level designer for that one?
Rutilcaper: But I was happy at the same time. Because that meant a significant portion of the game was over. Wasn't the moon stage just all elevators? Or laser doors?
mee Ronn: Don't forget the window that let you see the villain deliver his important lines.
peccaui: Laser doors, floating tubes and exposed wiring is what I recall. Except for that one 'light beam' puzzle. Groan. How many of those do we have to encounter in 'new platformers'?
Rutilcaper: Laser doors: The equivalent of light beam puzzles in my obscure jargon.
Rutilcaper: There were like FIVE in that area. And just when you think you're done with them they throw a SUPER light beam puzzle at you. It was the light beam puzzle to end all light beam puzzles!
peccaui: And then as your reward ... BACON!! mee Ronn: Oh good - if that is the end of light beam puzzles forever, then it was worth it.
Rutilcaper: I hate that pig. I would never, ever let a pig be my uncle. Even if he had rocket shoes.
mee Ronn: His rocket shoes... ARGH!

Rutilcaper: By the way, the code on the shoes: weak.
peccaui: Oh no, don't remind me. That drove me nuts!
mee Ronn: Those things kept me from the end of the game for so long! I actually "figured it out" because the game glitched. Double H was saying lines referring to the boot code before I had found it.
Rutilcaper: Why do games do that?
peccaui: I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that the lead designer was asleep.
Rutilcaper: It's like BG&E was made specifically to defy convention by abusing all platformer cliches... AT ONCE.
peccaui: How anyone can find that menagerie of gameplay amusing and original is utterly beyond my comprehension.
Rutilcaper: The first dogfight actually was kind of exciting. Until I realized I'd have to be blind AND a cripple to lose it. And then to make you play the exact same dogfight later on! What a world!!
mee Ronn: Yeah, every time they had some new game mechanic that was fun, you could expect to do it two or three more times at least.
peccaui: And for a 15 hour game, you wouldn't suspect redundancy would be much of a problem. But, there ya go.
Rutilcaper: They only made you place the Crossfire game... twice! I think you had to race like five times. For five pearls. The stupid rebels gave me four times that much just out of the goodness of their hearts.

An Economy of Pearls

mee Ronn: And there was something like eight of those "Looters Caverns".
Rutilcaper: Oh man, thanks. I'd forgotten about them.
peccaui: Ugh. Those felt tired right outside of the first gate.
Rutilcaper: "Get 'em Jade!" "Don't lose 'em Jade!" I'm freakin' trying pig-man! There's a goddamn laser mine in my way! What do these looters do? And why do they look like the cops?
peccaui: Screw it, they can have my cash.
mee Ronn: And why do they have caverns?
peccaui: They're rent-controlled.
Rutilcaper: A better question is why do you keep going in?
mee Ronn: The pearls - I had to get them all.
Rutilcaper: Yeaaah. I will never understand the mentality of not wanting to get every single thing. Even for crappy games that waste your life.
peccaui: Suckers. I left pearls behind! So others may follow in my footsteps!
Rutilcaper: Damn Rhinos. They're so greedy! They probably wanted more reggae CDs. And jerk chicken. It's in their blood, obviously! They walk around going "Oi man." What else could they want?
peccaui: Their final goal: to manipulate the market with their pearls until the world economy collapses.
mee Ronn: That won't take much. There's one city.
peccaui: I always start out with the intention ... but then I forget. Or get lazy. Or start chucking controllers and hating my life.
Rutilcaper: A sort of sideways-compliment I guess, but at least getting pearls in BG&E was easy. There are a lot of crappy games out there that make it impossible. It still sucked, but at least you could usually do it on your first or second try.
mee Ronn: Like the early races. So easy to win. But easy pearls are good pearls.
peccaui: Yeah, those were simple. But there were also some animals that, if you forgot to photo 'em - whups. Sorry. Outta luck.
Rutilcaper: Well, there always are a few of those one shot things. But there were less than some. I learned hard and fast to use a walkthrough for the animals. I had no intention of playing this game legitimately after the first twenty minutes.

In the Shadow of the Pearls

peccaui: How'd everyone enjoy the stealth aspects?
Rutilcaper: Fun at first, then it got annoying, then you figured out how to beat the system and it didn't matter anyway.
mee Ronn: I thought it provided some interesting puzzles at least.
Rutilcaper: It was as simple as running to a conveniently placed air vent, dropping down and hanging from the ledge until the guy turned away, get up and hit him on the back. His friend will see you, but you can just repeat.
Rutilcaper: I did like the "Clearing Area" robots. They were cool. Of course, once you get that disc shooter thing the stealth game becomes kind of moot.
peccaui: I remember loathing one elevator part, that was the only time I really minded it. Otherwise, I really enjoyed the camera angles while you were in 'stealth mode' - it was one of the few times the game felt cinematic and actually merited the fakie widescreen.
mee Ronn: Yeah, a lot of the stealth I skipped by making Jade a cold-hearted killer.
peccaui: Poor Jade, forced to grow up so fast.
mee Ronn: FORCED?! She seemed pretty damn willing! Just kick 'em in the back and they run around in pain forever. They don't seem to mind you walking around after that.
Rutilcaper: Dude. You got to kick 'em again to send them to a gory, explosive death. Or are you the slow & extended torture-type?
peccaui: Ronn tortures ants with a magnifying glass and pulls the wings off of flies in his spare time.
mee Ronn: Oh yeah, I forget you could blow them up..
Rutilcaper: Poor Jade. One day she's tending to goat boy and the next she's wholesale slaughtering soldiers. What is this, Cambodia?
mee Ronn: When I signed up for the whole quest thing they said "take some pictures". I wasn't expecting that killing the guards would be so.. acceptable.

Death & Pearls

mee Ronn: Why can't a game take death more seriously?
Rutilcaper: Well the game seems to think it's taking itself seriously. Yet everyone is a freaking goat. Or a cat. Or exploding in a comical green cloud.
peccaui: Yeah. It was just patronizing death. However, I think we're pretty used to it - they really should have handled Pey'j better (or worse) and at least keep it consistent.
mee Ronn: Like all games.

Rutilcaper: Didn't you play Zone of the Enders 1?! The kid's little girl's best friend got shot because he didn't want to give in and kill the enemy pilot who had slaughtered hundreds of townspeople. Hideo Kojima doesn't mess around. You should learn a lesson, BG&E! From the master!
mee Ronn: Does halfway count? But that one does handle it better.
Rutilcaper: I guess that's a blessing. The plot, while unbearable, was mercifully not there most of the time.
peccaui: I'm sure in the end it was just a VR mission.
Rutilcaper: I wish playing BG&E was a VR mission. Then I wouldn't have felt guilty about willingly doing it for so long.
peccaui: You could have cut the time wasted in half by leaving those pearls behind!
Rutilcaper: I wanted to believe that there was some reward for it!
peccaui: And people say sloth is never rewarded.
mee Ronn: Hey, but now you can say that you have all the pearls in BG&E!
peccaui: Yes, I could lie and say that I suppose.
mee Ronn: Well, Ruti and I can!
Rutilcaper: I got caught up in the crossfire...

All's Pearl That Ends Pearl

peccaui: Well, I'd say it was almost worth playing BG&E for the soundtrack. Almost.
Rutilcaper: I don't know. I mean, it was a good soundtrack. And I will admit that the main impetus behind me playing the races was to hear the race songs. Otherwise... it's still a lot of money for a few good tunes.
peccaui: Especially since the soundtrack is free now (thanks Ubisoft!)
mee Ronn: I would have bought the soundtrack had Ubisoft released it.
Rutilcaper: I would've at least considered it. But it's a disturbing thing to say that you'd rather have the soundtrack than the game.
mee Ronn: Well, as long as I can groove to Fun and Mini-Games without actually having No Fun with the Mini-Games, I'm happy. I just happen to get 30 more tracks as bonus.
Rutilcaper: Though when I hear the music I immediately start thinking about anthropomorphic pigs and it really just kills my buzz.
mee Ronn: Anthropomorphic zombie pigs!
Rutilcaper: My mistake.
peccaui: You can take pleasure in the fact that, for a fleeting moment, the pig was supplying the world with pork chops.
Rutilcaper: Maybe in a perfect world.
peccaui: Well, perfect if you turn the game off at exactly the right time.
Rutilcaper: You usually say that about games that were good up to a point. I mean, I guess I could've turned it off after the Ubisoft logo came up...
peccaui: So. Who is up for sending some pigs feet to Michel Ancel?
mee Ronn: Hey, I think we'd be even. If I got spam email in the game he can get pigs feet in the real mail.
Rutilcaper: That'll teach him to make pretend websites with no real content! Spam e-mail in games. I hear that's that newfangled "ambience" thing. Putting that in your game is like +40 cool points.
mee Ronn: I'm referring to the damn Hillian News that you can buy in the game. Stupid crap. And those websites. Ugh. But that's a different article.
peccaui: A different, older article!
Rutilcaper: I felt like BG&E was punching me in the mouth. Just because it could.
Rutilcaper: We should form a club.
mee Ronn: The "I can't help from completing a game no matter the pain" club.
Rutilcaper: Sounds about right.
mee Ronn: By the way, club fees are due.
Rutilcaper: Can I pay you in pearls?