Time is a fickle thing. I made a promise to the constituent readerbase that I would never use this function without the warm feeling of intoxication spreading over me.

So far, so good!

It was a raucuous affair. Though I don't live with my parents (I'M NOT A MOMMA'S BOY DAMMIT!) their auspicious Florida cruise avails me of their primary mode of transportation. A Ford Taurus circa 1998 that has the turning radius of a retarded snail. Don't drive on route 1 in Pennsylvania. You'll find yourself quickly approaching a 270 degrees circle with no option but to slow from my breakneck speed. The impetus for our journey was nothing less than jdproject's wonderful OC Remix, "The Ken Song" a delightlfully absurd melody about "Realizing Your Ken". The plan for the night was to view the "new classic" Appleseed, an anime movie remade from an anime release remade from a comic book. It was as bad as those that came before it! My suggestion is to avoid such things at all costs!

So I sit here now watching my friends acquire the only real accomplishment of the night. Spending $100+ on beer because my roommate is hot for the waitress sounds good on paper, but it has no ability to assuage my grief! Though the description of my "Golden Rice Bowl" tattoo to the (female) roommate of great friend and RE4 translation Benjamin White provided some excellent amusement for the night, the real pleasure hits me at this moment.

Gradius V.

I grew up playing shooters. As any friend will attest I am atrocious at competetive games. I am a man that will score 26 points at Scrabble and consider it a good game. I will get roped into the brain breaking game of Crainium and find myself unable to appropriately hum the theme from John Travolta vehicle "Grease". My only skills lie in the games that allow co-operative play.

But there is something I can do well, provided I am in the company of the half-Asian I like to call Greg Guffanti, a man among men. A man who realizes the rules of the shooter. The good guy retains the powerups. That good guy, for once, is me.

Gradius V is a game you are not likely to find in this day and age. An old-school style shooter made apparently by its side-scrolling view. Uncommon in this modern world! Conceived by Konami, realized by Treasure this game should be the shooter's dream.

And it is! ...in a way...

Gradius is something archaic and not meant to exist here. Gamers are clamoring for Doki Doki Surprise Panic, the game of stacking muffins to the moon and causing them to dance. They don't want a game where your skills are tested to the absolute limit, until you cry and shake your fist and your gaming denizen. Gradius is a powerful game, not a friendly romp through the hay. You spend the majority of your time dodging bullets of various types. The rectangular bullet, the hexagonal bullet! None will be denied! If you're looking for something that is not relaxing, that is not Katamari Damacy, then you've found your game. Gradius V does not accomplish the ball breaking furor of previous games, it's true, but it's still a mean machine of the greatest type.

But it will leave the shooter fan a bit lukewarm. The primary focus is now on the everpresent "options" which really need to accomplish little purpose but being there and shooting. Now they are vertical, they are mobile, they are rotating. Treasure has decided on spending time upgrading the options and not so much on anything else.

If you buy Gradius V for $20 then you will not be a sad man. You will have spent less money than I did trying to not look like a tool in front of the fiance's roommate. You will be refreshed that such a game can exist in these days of Madden 2005 and Mechwarrior. There is nothing to manage in Gradius, just the sheer thrill of the battle. And there's nothing quite like hearing a Filipino squeal as he's hit over and over by the electric balls of death of a space battleship. Some things you can't put a price on, whether by alcohol or cold hard currency. But I fear that, like my played out barroom chatter, Gradius is a dying breed.

Are you man enouch to play Gradius? You're the only one that can answer that. It's certainly no more stressful than trying to impress members of the female sex at your pub of choice. Do you thirst for the thrill of the fight at all times? Certainly people don't come home at night with the desire to relive past rejections vicariously through a shooter. MOST people don't. I do.

If you can understand this Zen riddle, then maybe you're ready for Gradius V.

The slow bullet is often the most dangerous.

Like a few pints of your local brewery, Gradius V will not hit you hard. Not at first. But the moment it does, it's like a tidal wave. Like booting your guts out in the bathroom, there's no shame in playing Gradius. Just don't do it when a girl's around.