the Hit Parade with Zack and Travis, Part I

March 16, 2003 By the_notorious

When I was in high school, I embraced my identity as a band nerd to a point of ridiculousness. I was firm in my belief that i couldn't get along with anyone who wasn't in that clique. Hey, I'm sure you'ved done some stupid things too. Anyway, a big part in me waking up one day and realizing i was stupid was my good friend Travis. He started talking to me one day because I was wearing a Sebadoh t-shirt. I think at the time I probably sneered something back at him because he was dressed in Abercrombie and Fitch. Well, 4 years later and I'm plotting to be a roadie for his band, and I spent part of spring break setting his drummer's yard on fire. Random? Exactly. Anyway, here's the first in a series where Travis and I give hit songs the once over. Enjoy.

Zack: OK, per your request Travis, we start with a hit from a couple years ago, Willa Ford's I Wanna Be Bad. I like this video because it features her stealing cars and just blows up the jailbait thing to the point of nearly being a parody.

Travis: She's not even that pretty, at all. Like, even after all the record-label-gussying up, you can still tell she's just not that attractive…but she'll let you see within an inch of her labia majora.

Zack: The majora are way overrated man, minora's where it's at.

Travis: Closer to the cervix, true.

Zack: I also like how she's saying she wants to be bad. Like she's tried but it's not working out. She goes to the liquor store to rob it, but ends up saving the orphanage.

Feeding the homeless: another failed attempt at being bad.

Travis: Or tried to have premarital sex, and instead became a Young Republican.

Zack: Actually, if she was black, that would be kind of radical. She becomes Republican and goes to Auburn.

Travis: Yeah, then interns for JC Watts.

Zack: The last time I saw her she was VJing on MTV. I think they have that clause in their contracts; it's like the lecture circuit for pop stars.

Travis: And she's certainly no Mandy Moore.

Zack: Oh Mandy Moore, why are you so hot and dumb? You're friends with Kelly Osbourne, that's not good for anyone's career in a year, scouts honor.

Travis: Don't take my appreciation of Mandy Moore away from me! And yeesh, Kelly Osbourne. That KO is certainly not a knock out! Wocka wocka!

Zack: She could beat you up dude.

Travis: Yeah, and in the morning, I'd wake up with black eyes, and she'd still be farting on international TV with her dad.

Zack: Next we have Clocks, by Coldplay. The lighting is really neat in this video. That's all the positive energy I have for this band. They rip off Radiohead with big fucking smirks on their faces.

Travis: And Chris Martin is a really bad Thom Yorke too. Like, at least Thom's unattractive; or at least not traditionally attractive. But Chris Martin should be modeling for the British equivalent of J-Crew by 2005

Zack: Yorke's ugly, man. I saw a picture of him in the 80's with a newsboy cap on and a skinny tie and it looked like a shrew had learned to play the keyboard.

Travis: Still, it's a pretty song. The video's absolutely lame though. What a cheesy concert. I think they're slated to break up soon actually. Because of Martin's ego, totally serious.

Zack: I like how rocking out while playing music is inversely proportional to how easy it is to play nowadays. He's playing chopsticks and he looks like he's about to do a back flip he's so fucking excited.

Travis: Yeah, but it's not even his excitement. It's the same weirdo moves that Thom Yorke did on SNL for Kid A; just stupider.

Zack: Maybe Chris Martin was built in a lab buy record execs who thought that Radiohead just needed to be less ugly.

Travis: They like to do that. Kurt Cobain was much better looking than Frank Black. Chris Martin's even done stuff for like VH1 top bachelor lists. "I think I might want to be married some day. I love girls."

Zack: He should seal the deal with Gwyneth Paltrow. Quit while he's ahead.

Travis: He's dating her? Did not know that.

Zack: Yeah, there's two ladies that Travis pines for.

Travis: Paltrow and who?

Zack: Mandy Moore.

Travis: I'll cop to truly enjoying "A Walk to Remember".

Zack: That's disturbing. Like "I don't know if we can be friends any more" disturbing.

Travis: This coming from the man who I watched, and enjoyed, Death Wish 3 with! After the war, they let me take home this mega-nuclear-raygun. Pretty cool, eh?

Zack: Ah, but I am a fan of murdering petty thieves. Next on the block, Can't Stop by Red Hot Chili Peppers. Whenever this guy raps I think we lose international diplomatic credibility.

This music that these punks listen to these days makes me want to kill a man from a block away and detonate a building to catch a car thief.

Travis: Does he really think those pubic cornrows look good?

Zack: I had an opportunity to get cornrows over the break, and I am sad to say I passed up.

Travis: It's because of people like you that this war is going to happen. We need cornrows, damn it. This rapper knows it.

Zack: Did you see that Flea was doing ads for Black History Month? In other news, I am lecturing on Asian Awareness. I talk about how I am aware that I am not Asian.

Travis: Flea, who played Needles in Back to the Future 2 and 3. Doesn't make much sense to me how he got those roles though.

Zack: You play bass and have been charged with sexual assault! You're hired!

Travis: Because the Chili Peppers weren't even big then. And sexual assault didn't reach its peak until, arguably, Scotty Pippen. Though I guess that was domestic violence, now that I think about it.

Zack: You're thinking Nate Newton.

Travis: We need more stars getting busted on charges like that. It teaches people that while it's very, very cool to beat up/abuse women, you're still going to get paid a lot of money

Zack: I think personally I would rather see more charges involving petty theft.

Travis: Yeah, like people stealing zippers.

Zack: When millionaires shoplift bubblegum I think that it reminds us we are all stupid.

Travis: Or at least that oral fixations are very serious things.

Zack: I would like to become a celebrity, commit a crime, and when I get released, do something very random. Like if I get charged with public drunkenness, I'd say "My crime has made me decide to open a home for speed-addict piano tuners."

Travis: You're a true American hero.

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